Conflicts are rarely one person's fault. These 12 questions help you look honestly at your side of things. Answer for the last few months, not your best or worst day. It's private: nothing is saved.
The short answer
You might be contributing to a conflict without being its only cause. Look for repeated, specific behaviors—interrupting, dismissing feelings, breaking agreements—and what happens when someone asks you to change. A disagreement or someone else's accusation is not enough to decide that you are ‘the problem.’
Written by Account AB as an original self-reflection activity. This quiz has not been clinically validated and is not a diagnosis or a judgment of your worth.
1. When an argument starts, I focus on proving I'm right rather than understanding them.
2. I find it hard to say "I'm sorry" without adding "but…".
3. Different people in my life have raised the same complaint about me.
4. I bring up past mistakes during new disagreements.
5. I go quiet or withdraw to make the other person feel bad.
6. I expect others to know what I need without me saying it.
7. I get defensive when someone gives me feedback, even gently.
8. I tell the story of a conflict in a way that leaves out my part.
9. I raise my voice, use sarcasm or name-call when I'm upset.
10. I cancel or change plans and expect people to be fine with it.
11. I keep score of who did more for whom.
12. After a fight, I wait for the other person to make the first move.
How this quiz works
Each answer scores 0 (Never), 1 (Sometimes) or 2 (Often), for a total of 0–24. Results use three editorial ranges: 0–8, 9–16 and 17–24. These cutoffs are not clinically established. Your quiz answers are held only while this page is open and are not saved; this device only remembers that you finished the quiz.
Your total reflects how often you reported the conflict habits in these questions. It does not assign a percentage of blame or establish who is right. Look at individual answers alongside the context of a real disagreement.
Accountability is specific; self-blame is global
‘I interrupted you and didn't hear your concern’ names something you can repair. ‘I ruin every relationship’ turns one incident into a judgment about your whole identity. Start with what you actually said or did, rather than deciding whether you are a good or bad person.
Repeated feedback from different people is worth examining, but it still needs detail. Ask for a recent example and consider what was under your control. Taking responsibility for your reaction does not mean accepting responsibility for another person's threats, cruelty or choices.
A pause is different from punishment
Needing time to calm down is not automatically avoidance. A useful pause includes a clear intention to return: ‘I'm too upset to listen well. Can we talk after dinner?’ Withdrawing to make someone anxious, or refusing to return to the conversation, leaves the issue unresolved.
In the same way, a boundary is not necessarily selfish. Saying you cannot afford a trip or cannot answer messages at work may disappoint someone without being wrongdoing. Consider both the limit and how respectfully you communicated it.
What to do next
Choose one recent disagreement and write down the facts without guessing anyone's intentions.
Name one action you regret and one reasonable need you still have.
Offer a concrete repair: ‘I mocked your idea. That was unfair. Next time I'll ask a question instead.’
Ask for one example of what would help, then check whether you actually do it in the next conversation.
Common questions
Does worrying that I'm the problem mean I'm not?
No. Concern can show willingness to reflect, but it is not proof either way. What matters is whether you listen to specific feedback and change harmful behavior—not how much guilt you feel.
What if someone blames me for everything?
Separate their claim from the evidence. You can acknowledge one mistake while rejecting a blanket accusation. If you feel afraid, controlled or unsafe, seek trusted support rather than using a quiz score to decide whether you deserve that treatment.
